It is graduation day at my alma mater today. Yes, December, the month of boring nonsense that is graduation ceremonies when no jobs are in sight. Technically, it is kids born in 1992-93 graduating this month, and their sense of reality is misty since they have been pampered to adulthood. But reality is about to rein and rain on them. Listen up, kids.
1. The tax you are about to start paying will be used to pay Adan Duale, Moses Kuria, Johnstone Muthama and Mike Sonko. The rest will be stolen shamelessly by you know who.
2. Use condoms. A 56-pack pamper goes for Sh1,750 at Tuskys and Sh 1,800 at Nakumatt. And kids can’t stop pooping. They diarrhoea half the time, get sick all the time. Without a job or insurance, you will be miserable. Rubber it up, boys.
3. It is better to live in the slum and learn to fend for yourself than to live with a married relative. You will never get along with the wife. Protect your dignity.
4. For men, dating will be impossible if you are broke. Take that to the bank.
5. Stop smoking weed. If you don’t stop, you are on a downward trend, you will never stop. And you are about to be a 32-year-old with no priorities in life.
6. You are about to discover how evil HELB is, and you will curse the day you signed for that damn loan and drunk it.
7. Invest in long-lasting shoes. You won’t afford a decent pair for a while.
8. A masters degree does not accord you any more advantage in the job market than those without.
9. The rule of “who you know as opposed to what you know” still applies. Remember that even as you look for a job.
10. Some friends will disappear from your life. Forever. *^&% them.
11. For girls, if not careful, you will wake up 35-year old, with a good career, car but no man, no children. Yep.
12. If you are about to marry your campus love, please, make sure he or she is the right person.
13. From your class, there will be millionaires, tenderpreneurs, socialites, politicians, and people who will, in your generation, lead the country in many sectors. You may just not be the one.
14. Girls, you may want to quit alcohol and cigarettes now.
15. Get used to the idea that you will always be led and managed by people who are not necessarily brighter or smarter than you.
16. Getting a first-class degree is not a guarantee that life will be rosy afterwards. In fact, it can be curse-in-disguise, in the short-run. Yes, your grade will most likely not determine your pays slip.
17. You will not be a millionaire in five years’ time. Trust me.
18. You may never achieve even 5 per cent of your dreams, but it is still fine. Few do.
19. Go to a sensible grand old church. Any personality based church that insists on mummy-daddy titles will leave you philosophically empty.
20. Weddings are not a measure of success for your 20s. If you must do one, please fund it. WhatsApp groups and invitations to wedding committees are more hated than the Jubilee government.
21. Don’t send nudes, go slow on kinky late-night and drunk sexting. Screen-shots are ruining relationships. And these messaging apps keep so much history. Go slow on the flirts.
22. Jobs will be hard to come by. Don’t lose it, no matter how long it takes. Keep your head up. But be aggressive, be proactive. Work at a mjengo, if you have to, but never ever sleep at home watching movies and pleasuring yourself like a moron …